Ok, so I have wrestled with writing this particular blog. As you can tell I have been a bit negligent in my blogging over the past month. That has everything to do with the subject at hand. I feel that once I get this out there then I will be able to get back to “Finding Our Purpose.” This is a very personal and sensitive subject to me, but I do feel like I would be lying through omission if I didn’t come out and say it.
Ok, so here goes…I recently went through a rough divorce. The fault doesn’t fall on any one person to be honest. I would be unfair if I laid blame on anyone else, but myself. Now, I know that it takes two people for things like this to happen, but examining myself I learned that I wasn’t being the man of God I needed to be which led to strife and fighting within the marriage. Upon separating a year ago I vowed to grow closer to God, to have Him do a work in me and make me the man He intended me to be. I thought that in doing so He would reconcile things and restore my marriage. This, obviously, did not happen, but something did happen in me.
You see, God did a work in me that I can’t really put into words, but I’ll try anyway. I realized that I had grown comfortable with life. I was in a rut in the worst way. What God did was remove me from a place of comfort and He placed me in the wilderness. I was either going to die doing this myself or I was going to go through this journey with Him as my guide.
Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
The Psalmist pretty much sums up my daily prayer for almost a year and sums up the journey I took. See, early on in this separation/divorce I was angry. The fear/comfort/anger/etc… that had built up in the marriage spilled over into my personal life. Spiritually I was a mess, emotionally I was a wreck, and physically…well…the 45-50 pounds I lost during that time weren’t ALL from working out. The downward spiral I had begun during my marriage had carried over and I was now in a freefall.
I am not sure what it was, but I had a moment of peace just long enough to hear the Spirit calling me into the wild. After about a month and a half tailspin I let it go. I let go of the things holding me back. That’s not saying I gave up on the marriage, on the contrary, I realized to restore something lost I would have to allow God to restore me. So I planned a trip to the quiet wilderness of the majestic mountains in Colorado. It would be a time in which I would undergo intense physical, emotional, and spiritual trials. I would have to push myself. I went on this trip as a man who didn’t know what the future would hold. I went on this trip as a man who was unsure of himself, unsure of his purpose in life, a man with intense fears and a man who had grown complacent in life. I went into the mountains as this man, but I emerged as someone entirely different.
You see, the Lord stripped away all my fears and chipped at the rough edges that I had allowed to become part of me. I know that the change occurred there in the Rocky Mountains. It was evident. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically I was different. The joy that was always there, but hidden due to my blindness, was back in plain sight. I went from a man of fear and insecurity to a man of faith, reliance upon the Lord, and a man full of the Spirit. Now I don’t say this to brag, but on the rather I say to point out God’s faithfulness. What I have seen occur in myself over the past year has been nothing short of astounding. I laugh more, I live more, I fear less, I trust the Lord more, and the list goes on. My life was radically changed during this trip into the wilderness.
Unfortunately for the marriage, my change didn’t come soon enough. I have had a number of Godly men tell me this: “Justin, we are sad that this happened, but we are excited to see God’s plan and new direction for your life.” At first I was dumbfounded by this. Why would anyone see excitement in divorce, but as time has passed I am finally seeing what these men were saying. Divorce isn’t really the point here. It happened, it’s sad, but it’s time to move on. The point being made here is that there is a new direction that my life is heading. This new direction is one that God is in the process of guiding me through. He is in full control and I am thankful for that. I am a new man, a REAL man, an exciting man, and man of faith and I am now moving down a path that the Lord is guiding me down.
From this loss is coming a greater blessing. It is like a forest fire. The fire raged through and destroyed all in its path, but from the ashes a more fertile forest is growing. And that, my friends, is the point of this blog. I am not in any way saying that divorce is a good thing, but I am saying that from bad things can come blessings. I am already seeing these seeds sprout in my life and I am excited about these things. I am blessed to have so many people in my life that have been there for me, have prayed for me, and have lifted my head up when I didn’t have strength to do it myself. Thank you all who have been a part of this process. Words cannot express just how much you all mean to me. I love you all. If you have questions, please feel free to ask me. Call me, email me, etc…, but don’t hesitate. It is no longer a difficult subject. It has become part of my story and I feel like God has given me this experience to share with others.
The story of my life, my legacy, is still being written. Praise the Lord for that. This past weekend opened my eyes to quite a few things. The next chapter of my life is already looking interesting and I can’t wait to explore it, to experience it, and to share it with you all. Those who are in the know…know what I am talking about…and those who aren’t…well, stay tuned.
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